Thinking of... "Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps"

In case you were wondering,
Yes I've moved to my lj officially.
So.
Hello.

Updates

Hmm... nowadays I post at my lj more often.
not.living-hell.org does not currently exist... after living-hell ran into some problems, all of the hostees' sites were deleted... I'm still thinking of whether I should ask liewqi about hosting again.
I've changed the template :) Hope it's not as hard to read. But for the comments, I removed the enetations code, so the past comments can't be seen anymore... not that they're not valuable, but that it was troublesome to post using that. Comment away.

Thinking of... BatB "Something There"

For the life of me, I cannot understand forgiveness.

I think unforgiveness and resentment is what was, and is blocking my time with God. I'm unable to go to YF on Sunday at worship with my heart; mostly I stand with my head down.
Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. Some manuscripts: 26 But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins.

So yesterday during the one-on-one interview, which is to get yourself ready for the filling of the Holy Spirit (confirmation class), I brought up all the resentment, hate and bitterness against several people. At the same time I felt really bad and confused inside. The lady said it was a guilt complex.

Forgiveness is incomprehensible to me still.
..........................................................................
I went a-searching on the net for love and forgiveness,
and I found this.
http://www.annemurchison.com/forgiveness.htm

Dead End Ahead... WARNING: DO NOT ENTER [even though i'm confused]

Thinking of... Jiang Nan Chun Se. Erhu piece that I can't play.


Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water's edge. He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: "Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, multiplying thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times." Then Jesus said, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

When he was alone, the Twelve and the others around him asked him about the parables. He told them, "The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables so that, "'they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!'" Then Jesus said to them, "Don't you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? The farmer sows the word. Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop-thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown." (Mark 4:1-20 NIV)

There's EL and CL oral exams tomorrow. I am desperately in despair and loneliness.
I keep thinking about how the performance exam on Wednesday was a big mess-up. I expected too much of it, I guess.
I signed up to be keyboardist at my Confirmation class, but I seriously doubt my ability. I can't even worship God when I'm alone; how am I going to do so in front of everybody? I can't just go up there and keep playing the chords without any joy.
I should be praying about this, not complaining aimlessly to a world that doesn't care anymore... it feels so bitter and sour inside. So why am I not?

I don't know... the parable up there spoke to me [Jesus=Word of God=Bible]. I'm like the rocky soil, or the soil with thorns surrounding it. I've been so shallow, not fully accepting the Word or absorbing it. It does explain why I can feel like a light switch at times: On and off as a Christian. Maybe I'm really not one. Just somebody God spoke to. The part about the person immediately receiving it shows impulsiveness, proven over time that it wasn't really from the heart [it fell away after the sun rose up high in the sky]. Like, I've been depending so much on emotions to carry me through the times. But the heart is desperately wicked and deceptive, and so are feelings.

Moving on to another issue of torture. I am quashed in class by the seating arrangement, surrounded by 3 other tables joined on my left and right. In front is the teacher, and behind are 3 others. Escape route is a maze of bags. Plus, people talk to other people. I'm so quiet and frustrated that I get ignored. And there's so much dirty language and stuff, it's hard not to feel a sort of oppression. Adds on to the load on the camel's back. Maybe one last straw and I'll break.

I need a MEDIATOR. Somebody I can talk to. Because right now I can't talk to God. Feels so strange.

/ . . /
| > |
\/\/\

Infection

I'm sick with a throat infection. It was all red when the doc looked yesterday. The usual symptoms are present: tiredness, aches, hot breath.

I've been wanting to get sick for the past few weeks.
I had a hard time with everything, and I figured that if I got sick, I would come out stronger, as I could depend more on God.

But now it seems like I'm getting worse. With a detached observation of myself, I think I'm getting further away from God. Possible diagnosis could be due to an incorrect understanding of Him, unreluctance to seek Him, laziness/ weariness, or maybe it's a season of testing and trying from God. I have no idea. And I'm feeling miserable about it.

It's like I half don't want to get out, and still wanting to stay. I just want to forget all about the theology and questions and doubt and rules and regulations and appropriate knowledge and whatever, and just go back. But I think I have to face them squarely.

I'm not admitting that I'm weak too. I'm not humbling myself either. When I think I should. What should I do?

Like I don't want to give up all that I have. Like I'm not surrendering. It's like I don't want to 'let go and let God', leaving them at the foot of the cross, or lifting all my troubles to God. Maybe it's the thinking that, I am self-sufficient, and I don't need God in my life. I know that's wrong. What's wrong with me?

If anybody reading this knows the answer, please tell me!
But would I want to change?

Sometimes I think I value knowledge too much, in fact more impt than God. Like I'm a smartpants philosopher (I feel like one) trying to pose questions to outsmart Him. Yes, I'm struggling with lots of things. Christians do, right?

Maybe I have to realise that God uses circumstances surrounding us to let us know of His Presence and guiding hand. That God will use the conditions to let us realise that we do have this inner need, a vacuum that only He can fill.

I feel like John Clare in "I Am". Just to forget about everything and escape into this place where I can just be free of worries, and leap into His open arms.

In a way, my thoughts are infected just like my throat right now, with all those doubts. Aren't doubts supposed to help us?

Just a load of hot breath that was. I can't seem to see what's really under all those layers, deep inside me.

I need a way out. Out and up.

Orange Barrel Syndrome

I've nearly forgotten my OBS experience.
All except for the NH3-stinking toilets full of flying ants, the flooded floors too, the hard concrete floors, the sandfly-cum-mosquito bites that still haunt my legs, the numbers of tiny white bouncing bugs in our tent, the packets of milo/ovaltine powder and crushed biscuits, the stench of the 40-litre backpacks, the two jerry cans of water, my wrinkled-elephant-skin soles and the weariness of each day.

On Monday, it rained the whole day. My trackpants were soaking wet. We learnt about belaying, tentbuilding, and our big yellow ducky raincoats. That night was freezing cold.

On Tuesday, it was cloudy. We learnt how to kayak (!) but no jettyjumps. Then we saw our backpacks and staggered all over after packing them. We hiked that evening to luxurious Camp 1 from Camp 2, where there are toilets, unlimited water supply from water coolers, beautiful beaches, shelter, and rock climbing walls. At 8.30 pm we climbed some logs.
*That day I learnt the value of water. When we were at Camp 2, we only had 2 jerry cans of water a day each. The rest of the water supply there was not fit for consumption. During the hike to camp 1 the water was like gold; very precious. At Camp 1 itself, the water was HEAVENLY. I obsessed over it, drinking it every possible moment.

On Wednesday the day started beautifully. I went to the jetty at 7 am to sit and watch the sunrise. In the distance was Singapore, Sengkang. As I sat there watching the waves lapping, two dogs frolicked along the beach- one brown, one white. They seemed so oblivious to the waves around them on the rocks.
We went on to climb two challenges. I didn't like it. After that we were told to navigate to the next campsite with a compass and a map, and our instructor-under-oath-not-to-guide-us trailing behind us. We reached there by 5. The sites for the cooking fire, the 6-inch toilets in the ground, all dug by a single 'portable toilet' that I carried. Just a small spade that was shared among the four watches at that campsite.
*That night- sentry duty. It was a marvelous night, cloudless and dark and filled with constellations. I had asked God to not let it rain- and He gave us a starry night too!

On Thursday we set out at 0800 in our yellow kayaks. On the way we sang songs, and I made up stories about the landforms that we passed by on the way (e.g. the great big eagle landed on that platform-looking rock etc.) We didn't stop by any beaches to rest, just rafted up. I was a failure at kayaking, paddle then stop, paddle then stop, while my partner in front kept paddling.
*Then it RAINED terribly. It was all grey and windy and desolate-looking. The wind tore at us while we desperately paddled towards the others, away from the mangrove roots. My partner was shivering; she couldn't move. The instructors had to come over to talk to her to keep her moving, while I held on to their motorboats at the siderails. Then it was me alone for some time, paddling at the back, against the wind and waves. I wanted to give it all up. We had to be dragged along by 2 other kayaks. I was looking at my instructor alongside in their yellow motorboats, standing and looking at us at a distance. I felt betrayed, like why wasn't he helping me? [Fortunately God has promised to be at our sides through trials if we let Him. But sometimes He'll seem far and silent.]
*It was the last straw. I kept bumping into my friend's kayak. She was frustrated too. She called me a 'jinx'. I cried. I couldn't possibly control the kayak alone, and I was so weak and stupid! So I kayaked on with the tears on my face and the wind as well. Then I realised how I had been so arrogant in thinking I was the one who was controlling while my friend was in front paddling uselessly. We needed one another.
*The rest of the trip went quite okay... we reached there around 6 pm, with no stops, just a raft-up during lunch, the storm. We had kayaked in the eastern direction, from the north to the southwest of pulau ubin (our original camp 2), more than 9 km, with storms along the way! It was unimaginable. Some people were shivering after they got out. I couldn't walk properly.
*We formed a human chain later in the evening, up along the jetty. It creaked along with our weight, carrying 60 plus, a few more than its 50 something. We had dinner later at 1130 plusplusplus.

And then on Friday, we left at 1pm I think. After packing, washing, drying, cleaning everything. I bought a survival kit and a brown cap with the OBS logo on it. We said bye to our OBS instructor Gideon, but Columbus still together.

I think i've left out lots and lots of nice parts. It doesn't seem very exciting. But I appreciate my mum's cooking now more than ever (I gained a big appetite), my toilet at home, the ability to have quiet time and read the Bible, and water. Maybe it's all I need.
*I feel disconnected.

Thinking of... "God of Wonders"

I am back from OBS; aching, numb, and... refreshed by this experience.

But in the meantime, here's an article about the definition of You. Who I'm Not by Caleb C. Anderson

I still need some time to gather my thoughts; I'm still recovering.