Infection

I'm sick with a throat infection. It was all red when the doc looked yesterday. The usual symptoms are present: tiredness, aches, hot breath.

I've been wanting to get sick for the past few weeks.
I had a hard time with everything, and I figured that if I got sick, I would come out stronger, as I could depend more on God.

But now it seems like I'm getting worse. With a detached observation of myself, I think I'm getting further away from God. Possible diagnosis could be due to an incorrect understanding of Him, unreluctance to seek Him, laziness/ weariness, or maybe it's a season of testing and trying from God. I have no idea. And I'm feeling miserable about it.

It's like I half don't want to get out, and still wanting to stay. I just want to forget all about the theology and questions and doubt and rules and regulations and appropriate knowledge and whatever, and just go back. But I think I have to face them squarely.

I'm not admitting that I'm weak too. I'm not humbling myself either. When I think I should. What should I do?

Like I don't want to give up all that I have. Like I'm not surrendering. It's like I don't want to 'let go and let God', leaving them at the foot of the cross, or lifting all my troubles to God. Maybe it's the thinking that, I am self-sufficient, and I don't need God in my life. I know that's wrong. What's wrong with me?

If anybody reading this knows the answer, please tell me!
But would I want to change?

Sometimes I think I value knowledge too much, in fact more impt than God. Like I'm a smartpants philosopher (I feel like one) trying to pose questions to outsmart Him. Yes, I'm struggling with lots of things. Christians do, right?

Maybe I have to realise that God uses circumstances surrounding us to let us know of His Presence and guiding hand. That God will use the conditions to let us realise that we do have this inner need, a vacuum that only He can fill.

I feel like John Clare in "I Am". Just to forget about everything and escape into this place where I can just be free of worries, and leap into His open arms.

In a way, my thoughts are infected just like my throat right now, with all those doubts. Aren't doubts supposed to help us?

Just a load of hot breath that was. I can't seem to see what's really under all those layers, deep inside me.

I need a way out. Out and up.