Dead End Ahead... WARNING: DO NOT ENTER [even though i'm confused]

Thinking of... Jiang Nan Chun Se. Erhu piece that I can't play.


Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water's edge. He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: "Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, multiplying thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times." Then Jesus said, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

When he was alone, the Twelve and the others around him asked him about the parables. He told them, "The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables so that, "'they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!'" Then Jesus said to them, "Don't you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? The farmer sows the word. Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop-thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown." (Mark 4:1-20 NIV)

There's EL and CL oral exams tomorrow. I am desperately in despair and loneliness.
I keep thinking about how the performance exam on Wednesday was a big mess-up. I expected too much of it, I guess.
I signed up to be keyboardist at my Confirmation class, but I seriously doubt my ability. I can't even worship God when I'm alone; how am I going to do so in front of everybody? I can't just go up there and keep playing the chords without any joy.
I should be praying about this, not complaining aimlessly to a world that doesn't care anymore... it feels so bitter and sour inside. So why am I not?

I don't know... the parable up there spoke to me [Jesus=Word of God=Bible]. I'm like the rocky soil, or the soil with thorns surrounding it. I've been so shallow, not fully accepting the Word or absorbing it. It does explain why I can feel like a light switch at times: On and off as a Christian. Maybe I'm really not one. Just somebody God spoke to. The part about the person immediately receiving it shows impulsiveness, proven over time that it wasn't really from the heart [it fell away after the sun rose up high in the sky]. Like, I've been depending so much on emotions to carry me through the times. But the heart is desperately wicked and deceptive, and so are feelings.

Moving on to another issue of torture. I am quashed in class by the seating arrangement, surrounded by 3 other tables joined on my left and right. In front is the teacher, and behind are 3 others. Escape route is a maze of bags. Plus, people talk to other people. I'm so quiet and frustrated that I get ignored. And there's so much dirty language and stuff, it's hard not to feel a sort of oppression. Adds on to the load on the camel's back. Maybe one last straw and I'll break.

I need a MEDIATOR. Somebody I can talk to. Because right now I can't talk to God. Feels so strange.

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